You

Many times have you asked why did I keep silent when I knew. Why didn't I say something. It took me a lot amount of courage to talk to you. I didn't dare to look at your face the first time we had a conversation. I got nervous everytime I saw you. I was so worried how would I do during our first oncall together, because I wasn't being myself when you were around. I tried to avoid eye contact, pretending to ignore you to give you the idea that I wasn't into you when in fact, I was constantly staring at you when you were not looking. I didn't plan on telling you at all because I fear of being rejected by someone that I like so much. Turned out I was right. You broke my heart so bad when you told me you were with someone. I suffered a great deal amount of pain following that. Yet I still blame it all on myself. I did this to myself. I brought this misery to myself. You didn't know. I knew better, but I was too carefree. I made myself love you so much that when the reality knocked, my whole world shattered. I love you so much that I didn't dare to put this on you, because I know you didn't know better. It was all me. I believe in many great things. I believe that love isn't equal to being possesive. I believe that love is to make the person you love happy even if it means that you have to stay away. I believe that if I try harder, I might be able to get over you. I believe that sometime in the future, I might be able to look at you as a good friend, not more. I believe in many great things. And as good friend, I'm willing to do anything just to make sure you're happy. Because I can't live if you're not happy. To love someone from afar, I suppose not many can do that but I believe that I can. If anything, I would say thank you. Thank you for giving me this great experience; to feel this strong about someone.

Let Me Go

Why?
Why must you come back?
I have suffered and recovered
I'm past all of that
You're a history that I want to forget
But why?
Why did you come back?
You succeeded in killing everything
that was beautiful about us
Now everytime I think about you
All I can think about
is how stupid I was
To have believed your words
Your promise
So why?
Why have you come back?
Was it still not enough?
Why?
Why?

I need a fix

Oh life

What had happened to me?

I have changed so much

This love that I'm in

Is consuming me too much

Oh life

What do I do with you

Oh life

I just want to be happy

Can't I?

What do I do

What do I do

What do I do

What is now this man to do?

I have never experienced this kind of love before

I need a fix

Oh life

a new dawn?

Hello you. Yes, you, the one writing on this blog, and the (only) one reading it as well. So, basically your own self, Ideris! :|I’ve lied to my own blog. I promised to write more since my last post. I had a nice break from the clinical terror, but I couldn’t remember what had kept me so busy that I failed to accomplish my vision of updating this abandoned blog of mine more frequently. It feels like telling lies to my own soul. Oh my desouled soulless soul!

Anyway, this is a ‘hot’ period of the year! Not only because summer’s approaching and the temperature is climbing up at a drastic rate, there’s also a huge event coming up this month. It’s the general election! I shall remember this year’s election because it’s my first time voting. I already handed my vote in last Sunday since I’m abroad currently, hence the postal voting need to be carried out earlier than the official date of voting to allow adequate time for transference or something. I’m sure you get the idea.

I’m kind of a newbie to the political matters. An amateur, if I may. But I’m trying to get a hang of it. Do I support Pakatan Rakyat or Barisan Nasional? There are others, but in national context, I don’t see the possibility of them forming a government due to the insufficient number of parliamentary seats being contested by them. So it’s gonna be either one of these two to govern the country.

To be frank, I’m not a strong supporter of any of the two but I’m no midway currently. I decided to choose the other one because of what I believe in and what I’m fighting for. Strong word, fight! LOL! Well again, I already voted. I voted for a better Malaysia. I voted for the whole citizens of Malaysia. I voted to choose for a better future for my future children. I voted for the future generations. I voted to show that all of us citizens have the rights to be voiced out. I voted to make people realize of the power held by the citizens on how this country should be sailed. I voted to show the politicians of how afraid they should be of us, citizens and not the vice versa. This is a democratic country, every person has the sole right to choose the direction of this country.

That’s why I chose not to vote blindly and solely for any party. I’m not to be a donkey following where the party is taking me. I desire a transparent government so everyone can have a say in every matter. In other words, I’m against obsession of any political parties, because these parties should be held responsible by the people without excuse. There can be no party which is not to be questioned of any wrong deeds done.

Once again, I strongly believe in the power of the people over the government. The ballot is stronger than the bullet.

We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution. The people are the rightful masters of the country.

Abraham Lincoln

Pheww. So serious mah.

unlucky number one

I hope they like you like we do

I'll be proud to be like you

Just like you

Hello everyone (like there’s anybody).

I just finished my tests for my rotation in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. It has been an amazing journey and I truly enjoyed it. I wrote this thing before the marks are out because usually the true judgment will be clouded over by the marks. So without knowing how I actually did during the tests, I can honestly say that I love this department.

Great doctors with great skills of teaching, great experience switching from one hospital to another almost every week and I should also say great patients. Why? Well simply because most patients are either pregnant or had just delivered a baby or maybe just got out from the operating theaters.  So these are exhausted patients, looking very tired and maybe unwell. Labor is very exhausting!!! Let’s take a moment to appreciate every single effort our mothers had taken to ensure our intrauterine well-being and be delivered safely knowing that it was a very difficult process, yet ended with smile and tearful joy. I  felt really touched observing a woman delivering her baby. 

I enjoyed this rotation so much that I honestly don’t really give a damn about my marks. But of course, I want to pass it. Oh wait, or not? Eh.

Anyway, this is the only major rotation for this year. We were tested by methods of OSCE and Mini OSCE, as any other major rotations. The trouble with OSCE is that, no matter how much I've read or prepared, that nervousness will always be there because I have to confront people during OSCE. Unlike Mini OSCE, we’re only confronting few pictures and a paper. Nobody was observing you giving the answers or making comments or expressions over your answers.

Some people say they only got the loose legs before seeing the question and once they saw it, and they started answering one by one (orally), the nervousness disappeared. But this is me. I don’t talk much. I always feel nervous every time I let a word out of my mouth. I tend to stutter. So the nervousness didn't really go away even after I started answering the questions. Or even if I knew my answers were right.

This was how I acted during my OSCE. I entered the room, looking at the examiner’s face while simultaneously greet (sometimes) and said my name. And then I sat down and read the questions. My head stayed down throughout my whole answering/thinking process. Not once did I look at the examiner. My eyes were stuck on the question paper, or stool or maybe the floor. When the time was up, I faced up, looked at the examiner’s face and said “Thank you, doctor.” Every single time. I think I need to learn how to speak in the presence of people I don’t know well. I should know how to get comfortable. Hell I can be calm throughout anything, but once I have to speak, my heart got caught in the spotlight.

I’ve got nothing to say actually. I just wanted to keep this blog updated. What else to say?

Ok that’s all for this post.

P.S.

Dismal.

...

I realize now;

   how far you'd go
   and how far distant I've been left behind

HEADS UP : This post contains lonely expressions. eh. not really lah!

Hello everybody! (?)

All praise to The Almighty, I've been living on this earth for 22 years now. I’m grateful for what I've done and where I've been since the day I was born.

Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to express. Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt.

I can’t be dependent on others to be happy. I should be the one striving for my own happiness. I couldn't care enough if people are constantly leaving me. Damn it! I actually have been saying these things so many times (well, every time I was feeling left behind) but I've been back and forth. Hah! So back off when it’s time to do so. Stay focus and do not get distracted anymore! You’re on your own!

I did pretty amazing things on my birthday this year;

1. climbing up to the top of Mount Sinai

2. enjoying the super beautiful view of sun rise from the top of Mount Sinai

3. riding quad bike (my first time) in dark night to the Bedouins village in the desert

So this year I spent my Eid holiday in Egypt. Personally, this wasn't merely a vacation. I felt sort of connected with Egypt. I learnt a lot of things from this trip. As for most of my previous vacations, I felt no more than a foreigner following the map moving from one tourist attraction to another. But this visit to Egypt taught me a lot about the lifestyle of an Egyptian or at least a non-Egyptian staying there.

I’m lucky enough to have been living in a typical Arab world in a small barren country called Jordan. So I already had the background image of how it was gonna be in Egypt. Frankly, I did a lot of comparison between these two countries.

To be clear, this wasn't my second Arab country I've visited in my whole life. Thank God, in 2009 I had the opportunity to see the beautiful old country named Syria which is now in an unstable state. Syria was in many ways similar to Jordan. But I was barely a residence in Jordan back then. So to be honest, it was only one of other trips. In 2011 (I was in my third year), I went to United Arab Emirates or to be specific Dubai and Abu Dhabi. The gulf countries are in so many ways different than Jordan or Syria.

But this time, there was a different feeling throughout my journey in Egypt. I didn’t feel alienated, nor out casted as a foreigner. Things went smooth, although some little problems were inevitable.

As an Arab country, Egypt in so many ways is typical. Recalling from history, people make living around a water source thus the famous Nile River. Cairo is a very old and highly populated city. You can see by your own eyes how crowded the city is on every single day. I have a theory that due to overpopulation, the management became lose because it’s a big challenge to control a very huge number of people. You can provide as many facilities or services as you can. But to control people or citizens is a different matter.

Cairo is a very busy city. Crowded in addition to dusty, I learnt the importance of staying calm in such situations. Havoc is a normal scene. You can easily lose your temper. The hot weather of desert adds to your head and body temperature. Compared to Jordan, this country is far more well equipped but the problem lies with the people. This is an unjust comparison though, because Jordan is an amateur country compared to Egypt which is very ancient.

Okay, don’t intend to write much. Personally, I think Egypt is far more developed than Jordan but due to its overpopulation, I prefer to be here in Jordan. Every beautiful thing can become a mess when too many hands are on it.

P.S. Thinking of a new blog title.


All of your wallowing is unbecoming
You've got to take it on your own from here
It's getting pathetic and I'm almost done here

happy with your life?

Martial, the things that do attain              

The happy life, be these, I find:

The riches left, not got with pain;            

The fruitful ground, the quiet mind:       

The equal friend, no grudge, no strife;

No charge of rule, nor governance;

Without disease, the healthful life;         

The household of continuance:

The mean diet, no delicate fare;             

True wisdom join’d with simpleness;

The night discharged of all care,               

Where wine the wit may not oppress:  

The faithful wife, without debate;          

Such sleeps as may beguile the night.    

Contented with thine own estate;

Ne wish for Death, ne fear his might.

[Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey]

we hate he rain when it fills up our shoes,
but how we love when it washes our cars.