unlucky number one

I hope they like you like we do

I'll be proud to be like you

Just like you

Hello everyone (like there’s anybody).

I just finished my tests for my rotation in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. It has been an amazing journey and I truly enjoyed it. I wrote this thing before the marks are out because usually the true judgment will be clouded over by the marks. So without knowing how I actually did during the tests, I can honestly say that I love this department.

Great doctors with great skills of teaching, great experience switching from one hospital to another almost every week and I should also say great patients. Why? Well simply because most patients are either pregnant or had just delivered a baby or maybe just got out from the operating theaters.  So these are exhausted patients, looking very tired and maybe unwell. Labor is very exhausting!!! Let’s take a moment to appreciate every single effort our mothers had taken to ensure our intrauterine well-being and be delivered safely knowing that it was a very difficult process, yet ended with smile and tearful joy. I  felt really touched observing a woman delivering her baby. 

I enjoyed this rotation so much that I honestly don’t really give a damn about my marks. But of course, I want to pass it. Oh wait, or not? Eh.

Anyway, this is the only major rotation for this year. We were tested by methods of OSCE and Mini OSCE, as any other major rotations. The trouble with OSCE is that, no matter how much I've read or prepared, that nervousness will always be there because I have to confront people during OSCE. Unlike Mini OSCE, we’re only confronting few pictures and a paper. Nobody was observing you giving the answers or making comments or expressions over your answers.

Some people say they only got the loose legs before seeing the question and once they saw it, and they started answering one by one (orally), the nervousness disappeared. But this is me. I don’t talk much. I always feel nervous every time I let a word out of my mouth. I tend to stutter. So the nervousness didn't really go away even after I started answering the questions. Or even if I knew my answers were right.

This was how I acted during my OSCE. I entered the room, looking at the examiner’s face while simultaneously greet (sometimes) and said my name. And then I sat down and read the questions. My head stayed down throughout my whole answering/thinking process. Not once did I look at the examiner. My eyes were stuck on the question paper, or stool or maybe the floor. When the time was up, I faced up, looked at the examiner’s face and said “Thank you, doctor.” Every single time. I think I need to learn how to speak in the presence of people I don’t know well. I should know how to get comfortable. Hell I can be calm throughout anything, but once I have to speak, my heart got caught in the spotlight.

I’ve got nothing to say actually. I just wanted to keep this blog updated. What else to say?

Ok that’s all for this post.

P.S.

Dismal.

...

I realize now;

   how far you'd go
   and how far distant I've been left behind

HEADS UP : This post contains lonely expressions. eh. not really lah!

Hello everybody! (?)

All praise to The Almighty, I've been living on this earth for 22 years now. I’m grateful for what I've done and where I've been since the day I was born.

Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to express. Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt.

I can’t be dependent on others to be happy. I should be the one striving for my own happiness. I couldn't care enough if people are constantly leaving me. Damn it! I actually have been saying these things so many times (well, every time I was feeling left behind) but I've been back and forth. Hah! So back off when it’s time to do so. Stay focus and do not get distracted anymore! You’re on your own!

I did pretty amazing things on my birthday this year;

1. climbing up to the top of Mount Sinai

2. enjoying the super beautiful view of sun rise from the top of Mount Sinai

3. riding quad bike (my first time) in dark night to the Bedouins village in the desert

So this year I spent my Eid holiday in Egypt. Personally, this wasn't merely a vacation. I felt sort of connected with Egypt. I learnt a lot of things from this trip. As for most of my previous vacations, I felt no more than a foreigner following the map moving from one tourist attraction to another. But this visit to Egypt taught me a lot about the lifestyle of an Egyptian or at least a non-Egyptian staying there.

I’m lucky enough to have been living in a typical Arab world in a small barren country called Jordan. So I already had the background image of how it was gonna be in Egypt. Frankly, I did a lot of comparison between these two countries.

To be clear, this wasn't my second Arab country I've visited in my whole life. Thank God, in 2009 I had the opportunity to see the beautiful old country named Syria which is now in an unstable state. Syria was in many ways similar to Jordan. But I was barely a residence in Jordan back then. So to be honest, it was only one of other trips. In 2011 (I was in my third year), I went to United Arab Emirates or to be specific Dubai and Abu Dhabi. The gulf countries are in so many ways different than Jordan or Syria.

But this time, there was a different feeling throughout my journey in Egypt. I didn’t feel alienated, nor out casted as a foreigner. Things went smooth, although some little problems were inevitable.

As an Arab country, Egypt in so many ways is typical. Recalling from history, people make living around a water source thus the famous Nile River. Cairo is a very old and highly populated city. You can see by your own eyes how crowded the city is on every single day. I have a theory that due to overpopulation, the management became lose because it’s a big challenge to control a very huge number of people. You can provide as many facilities or services as you can. But to control people or citizens is a different matter.

Cairo is a very busy city. Crowded in addition to dusty, I learnt the importance of staying calm in such situations. Havoc is a normal scene. You can easily lose your temper. The hot weather of desert adds to your head and body temperature. Compared to Jordan, this country is far more well equipped but the problem lies with the people. This is an unjust comparison though, because Jordan is an amateur country compared to Egypt which is very ancient.

Okay, don’t intend to write much. Personally, I think Egypt is far more developed than Jordan but due to its overpopulation, I prefer to be here in Jordan. Every beautiful thing can become a mess when too many hands are on it.

P.S. Thinking of a new blog title.


All of your wallowing is unbecoming
You've got to take it on your own from here
It's getting pathetic and I'm almost done here

happy with your life?

Martial, the things that do attain              

The happy life, be these, I find:

The riches left, not got with pain;            

The fruitful ground, the quiet mind:       

The equal friend, no grudge, no strife;

No charge of rule, nor governance;

Without disease, the healthful life;         

The household of continuance:

The mean diet, no delicate fare;             

True wisdom join’d with simpleness;

The night discharged of all care,               

Where wine the wit may not oppress:  

The faithful wife, without debate;          

Such sleeps as may beguile the night.    

Contented with thine own estate;

Ne wish for Death, ne fear his might.

[Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey]

we hate he rain when it fills up our shoes,
but how we love when it washes our cars.

from coins and notes to a card

This is for the ones who stand,

for the ones who try again,

for the ones who need a hand,

for the ones who think they can.

It comes and goes in waves.

Hello again, myself.

Last week, I applied for a new debit card. I already have one, but the magnetic stripe is tore up a little bit so sometimes the cashier will have to swipe it few times before it got through. A week later, the new card was ready. I had to activate the card by calling the customer care line. The operator asked a few questions and just like that, my card was activated. But of course, later on I need to withdraw any amount of money from the ATM machine and wait for 24 hours before I can use it for swiping action and online payment.

Hello. How can I help you?

Hello. I would like to activate my VISA debit card.

Okay. Can you give me your card number?

Alright, they are **** ***** **** ****.

Is it okay if I ask you a few questions for verification purpose?

Sure, no problem.

What is your name?

******* *** ******

Your date of birth?

It’s October 29, 1990.

In which branch of Standard Chartered did you open your account?

Irbid.

How much do you have in your account balance?

God! Currently? I‘m not sure. I never really keep track of my account balance. Can I skip this question?

Just give me a range.

Okay, maybe a couple of *********. Am I screwed?

No you’re okay. Your card is activated now. Can I help you with any other things?

Thank you. No, that would be all.

Okay, have a nice day.

Thank you very much. Bye.

When I mentioned I didn’t really keep track of my account balance, I really mean it. I’m not saying that’s a good thing to do, but I’m just stating that not everybody keep track of their account balance. So I’m not really sure if that’s a wise thing to include that question in the verification process. I withdraw, spend and let the bank deals with my balance. That’s not a good habit because we should always know the status of our finance so we can plan ahead. What if the bank messed up?

Are you a shopaholic? Or a big spender, as one may say. I don’t think I am. But when I want to buy something, I don’t really look at the prices. Some might compare between various stores, but I don’t really do that. I just buy it when I see it. I don’t really care about the prices. I hate dealing with numbers, so that could be one of the reasons. I don’t really know how much one thing should cost, I mean like its standard price. When I say I don’t remember the price of the things I bought, I really mean it.

Some people find happiness by shopping. These are shopaholics. When they’re feeling empty, they shop again. And again. And again. That’s not a pure happiness. You can never satisfy yourself like that. It’s like an ongoing continuous process where you need refreshment every time you run out of ‘it’. Of course, when you’re living a rich life where you have no limit of money supply, you will not see that as a problem.

I once thought I like to shop. Few years ago, I went to Dubai. Lucky as one may say, there was a shopping festival during my visit there. It was like the biggest annual shopping festival. Lots of discounts and half prices. I thought I would buy lots of things. But to be truth, I’m not really a shopper. I didn’t really buy anything there. But I have to admit that Dubai is indeed a nice place for shopping.

Yes, Dubai is like a different version of Arab world.

Have you ever tried buying things on the internet? My first experience was with this online shopping site centered in Middle East. I bought a hands free earpiece and a case for my phone. The delivery took a very long time. I also read some other complaints about their bad service, so I decided not to order from this site anymore.

My second trial was with a low fare flight company. I booked my flight tickets directly from the site. It was easy and the process went really smooth. Well, there was not gonna be any deliveries so that’s why. At the same time, I booked hotel rooms for my stay in Italy and London.

How I miss spending my time alone in Italy. It was like an accomplishment. Somehow, I always think that I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. :/

After that, I would like to order some books from the site eBay. But I have some problem with my PayPal account. I turned over to the site amazon, but I encountered some problems too. So that was all.

I would like to highlight some problem here in Jordan concerning online payment and later on the deliveries of your order. We don’t use residency address here. Any formal or official business must be through the rental mail box. Lucky me, students can register the university personal mail box for free. I hope the system will get better maybe after 10 years. This country really needs to sort this thing out and gets everything organized. I think the capital city has already used the residency address system because I notice each house in Amman is labeled with a number so that must be the house number right?

Oh just to clear things up, I don't come from a rich family. My sister always scolded me for spending too much money on school trips but hey, I was a little kid. I knew nothing about financial management and less that I knew that we had to save money for house needs. She was right though. I did join too many school trips. I wouldn't miss every chance I had.

Both of my parents have different approach than my elder sister. They don't want their children to think or worry about money. So they always say YES whenever I asked. I remember the routine pep talk my parents used to give us about how we must study really really hard so we can achieve a financially better life in the future. I can actually see that we're living much better than we used to before. All praise to Him. Damn it, writing about all this makes me feel sad all of sudden.

Do you like to buy things? Why do you buy things? Do you really need them? Have you ever had a financial problem in your life? Is shopping your obsession? How long can you stay out of stores or malls? Do you frequently check your savings account?

P.S. Those spam messages really bother me. I might take the chat box down.

I keep trying to walk,

but my feet don't find the solid ground.

I keep trying to scream,

but my tongue has finally lost its sound.

unnoteworthy

If you knew me,

would you save that seat for me?

If you knew me,

would you finally let me free?

Hello myself! duhhhh

Last year, each time I introduced myself as a fourth year student, I would feel proud and huge. Well, you know what I mean by ‘huge’. But this year, every time I say fifth year, I feel ancient. I wonder what I will feel next year.

It’s September. New semester just began, which means new students just arrived. Every single year (well since 2009) around this time, something interesting never fails to make me laugh. No, I’m not talking about me laughing at those naive and innocent looking freshies blurring around the street admiring every single thing they found on this land. God forbid, I would never do that!

A lot of people will approach me and assume couple of false laughable things about me. The most hilarious greeting so far would be “Welcome to Jordan”. Some people even thought I was a Yarmouk university student. Doesn't that sound ridiculous but high-larious at the same time? Maybe I should blame myself for that, I’m not sure.

It gets even funnier when at most times, I actually know their name or even a little more detail about themselves. You know, simple things like which university, what year and what course. Let me give a simple example of a real conversation that I encountered recently.

Greetings. How are you?

Hi. I've been better but thank you. And you?

I’m fine. Welcome to Jordan! What’s your name?

Err, thank you? It’s Ideris. You’re Derp right?

Yes I am. So how’re things with you so far? Do you have trouble with understanding the materials in Arabic?

Well they’re in English. So, not really.

Wait, are you studying in JUST? Medicine?

Yes, I do. Just began my fifth year.

Oh really? Okay. A clinical student?

Yes, how’s your third year now? Is everything good?

And the conversation gets more awkward after that. Not from my perspective though, because I actually enjoy looking at their shocked facial expressions when I told them I’m in my fifth year. This happens every year and I burst into big laugh every time it happens. Oh I’m gonna miss this when I graduated.

still I'm searching for something...

the pretender

No one’s gonna wait for you.

So do it now, do it right now.

Don’t waste a minute on the darkness

And the pity sitting in your mind.

So here I am. Sitting in front of my desk. A coffee-filled mug at my right hand side. Fingers on the built-in laptop’s keyboard. Feeling like a professional writer. Trying to put on words to construct sentences that are readable and understandable. At the same time, I always wonder of who I’m writing to. Myself, I suppose.

It’s a semi-miracle (I just made that word up) that my laptop is on my desk. I usually have it on my little table beside my bed. Yes, I do that. I always use my laptop while sitting or lying or rolling on my broken bed where I pretend to be comfortable and in relax state while I’m not. I have to change my pose (or way of sitting/lying/rolling) every few minutes because of numbness and sometimes my spine actually aches. This always reminds me of the reason why people have desk.

Logging onto my blogger account, I’m not really surprised of the changes that they’ve made. I left this account for over a year. I wasn’t really having the writer’s block, because I’m not really a writer for that matter. I’m only a normal person pretending to be a good writer. Ah ha! Oh by the way, I like this new blogger. It's less crazy. Ok I don't know why I said that.

I feel chatty today. Or felt, whatever. I’m not a chatty person for that matter. I mentioned this couple of times in my previous posts which were like few years back. :| I forgot the reason why I stopped blogging for a while. Erm, I could be busy. Yeah, that could be it. I’m not sure. Oh I forgot to mention that cliché crap people always say;

IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME, PEEPS!

(and it's been a boring year)

Hell yeah! Back to being chatty, I’m not really a conversationalist. I always avoid people to secure myself from any chatting attempts. Yep, that’s not a cool thing to do. I feel like that’s the absolute reason why my Arabic language skill is like being held back while others are getting better and better every time I see them. But on the other side, I mean the good side of it, I like to believe that I become an independent man because of that behavior. Yep, I’m a self-proclaimed independent man!

See, I went to Italy all by myself. I'm independent right?

Do you know that feeling when you have so many thoughts playing around in your mind? At that moment, you feel like your head’s going to explode with that words symphony going around inside your cranium. You feel like you need to speak those words out. Just let them out of your heads. Or at least, you need a pen and a paper so you can write all that down. You feel so inspired to give your thoughts about so many things happening around you. That actually happened to me today.

That was when I remember that I actually have an abandoned dusty blog. So I went home hoping that I could throw all those thoughts onto this pity blog. But I actually ended up doing something else. And by the time I remember that I had this writing thing I must do, those thoughts just magically disappeared and I was like, “What did I want to write about again?”

So here I am. Sitting in front of my desk. My made-in-China Paris souvenir mug is empty now. I’m out of words.

What do I expect from this post? I’m not quite sure. But I hope this won’t be the only post for the next one year.

Oh by the way, I met Ingrid Michaelson while I was in Singapore few weeks ago. Hell yeah I did!

Head out any further,

and you might just forget how.

You’ve gotta come back down.

a CORRIDOR to watch you

Sometimes it can be harder

to remember than to just let go.

I always see my good companions as if I’m watching them from a fairly tall building. I’m in a room, then slowly I walk outside heading to the corridor. Stand still, I look down the building to see a group of people assembling together. These are the people I know well, my companions. My friends. Comrades. They’re all in different outfits and holding their personal signature items representing their different backgrounds. But they’re down there together. Chatting happily.

Some of them look similar to each other but some on the other hand are very different yet they’re still standing on the same ground. Those that look similar are typical (in a good way) and appear as this one small circle. They’re recognized by people by this circle.

Those that appear a bit different are recognized by their own selves. They present themselves as their own self, not by a circle. They’re a bit distinct from others, because they hold a strong figure of their own self, portraying their own distinct physical.

It doesn’t matter if you’re typical or different because what matters most is that you manage to stand together on the same ground no matter how peculiar your background might be. You keep your differences aside, finding the common ground and then you put trust on the ground so that both of you can stand there without doubts, believing that you’re good together.

Dear Malyque,

We weren’t really close and I know that I didn’t really take your 3 years in Jordan to know you more. I didn’t really take the opportunity when you were here. We didn’t eat our lunch together. I didn’t seat next to you in the lecture hall. I didn’t manage my time to study with you. I didn't visit you that frequent. I didn’t really spend much time with you.

But I just want you to know that all this while, you've been a real great friend to me. You’ve been such a lovely friend to me and to us generally; JUST 08 (as we’ve always pronounce ourselves as). I enjoyed every bit of my time around you that I never consider myself knowing you were a waste. I want to let you know that you’re one of strong figures I’ve always seen in JUST 08.

I support your decision, because I know you’re a very wise man. I’m proud of your decision, because you’re a brave lad who knows what’s best for yourself. So no matter what or how you’re doing it, I will always be here praying for great things to happen to you.

Last but not least, please keep on writing (blogging) for I admire your real class English. :p

Do you have your own corridor?

P.S. OMG This is my 50th post! :D