You

Many times have you asked why did I keep silent when I knew. Why didn't I say something. It took me a lot amount of courage to talk to you. I didn't dare to look at your face the first time we had a conversation. I got nervous everytime I saw you. I was so worried how would I do during our first oncall together, because I wasn't being myself when you were around. I tried to avoid eye contact, pretending to ignore you to give you the idea that I wasn't into you when in fact, I was constantly staring at you when you were not looking. I didn't plan on telling you at all because I fear of being rejected by someone that I like so much. Turned out I was right. You broke my heart so bad when you told me you were with someone. I suffered a great deal amount of pain following that. Yet I still blame it all on myself. I did this to myself. I brought this misery to myself. You didn't know. I knew better, but I was too carefree. I made myself love you so much that when the reality knocked, my whole world shattered. I love you so much that I didn't dare to put this on you, because I know you didn't know better. It was all me. I believe in many great things. I believe that love isn't equal to being possesive. I believe that love is to make the person you love happy even if it means that you have to stay away. I believe that if I try harder, I might be able to get over you. I believe that sometime in the future, I might be able to look at you as a good friend, not more. I believe in many great things. And as good friend, I'm willing to do anything just to make sure you're happy. Because I can't live if you're not happy. To love someone from afar, I suppose not many can do that but I believe that I can. If anything, I would say thank you. Thank you for giving me this great experience; to feel this strong about someone.

Let Me Go

Why?
Why must you come back?
I have suffered and recovered
I'm past all of that
You're a history that I want to forget
But why?
Why did you come back?
You succeeded in killing everything
that was beautiful about us
Now everytime I think about you
All I can think about
is how stupid I was
To have believed your words
Your promise
So why?
Why have you come back?
Was it still not enough?
Why?
Why?

I need a fix

Oh life

What had happened to me?

I have changed so much

This love that I'm in

Is consuming me too much

Oh life

What do I do with you

Oh life

I just want to be happy

Can't I?

What do I do

What do I do

What do I do

What is now this man to do?

I have never experienced this kind of love before

I need a fix

Oh life

a new dawn?

Hello you. Yes, you, the one writing on this blog, and the (only) one reading it as well. So, basically your own self, Ideris! :|I’ve lied to my own blog. I promised to write more since my last post. I had a nice break from the clinical terror, but I couldn’t remember what had kept me so busy that I failed to accomplish my vision of updating this abandoned blog of mine more frequently. It feels like telling lies to my own soul. Oh my desouled soulless soul!

Anyway, this is a ‘hot’ period of the year! Not only because summer’s approaching and the temperature is climbing up at a drastic rate, there’s also a huge event coming up this month. It’s the general election! I shall remember this year’s election because it’s my first time voting. I already handed my vote in last Sunday since I’m abroad currently, hence the postal voting need to be carried out earlier than the official date of voting to allow adequate time for transference or something. I’m sure you get the idea.

I’m kind of a newbie to the political matters. An amateur, if I may. But I’m trying to get a hang of it. Do I support Pakatan Rakyat or Barisan Nasional? There are others, but in national context, I don’t see the possibility of them forming a government due to the insufficient number of parliamentary seats being contested by them. So it’s gonna be either one of these two to govern the country.

To be frank, I’m not a strong supporter of any of the two but I’m no midway currently. I decided to choose the other one because of what I believe in and what I’m fighting for. Strong word, fight! LOL! Well again, I already voted. I voted for a better Malaysia. I voted for the whole citizens of Malaysia. I voted to choose for a better future for my future children. I voted for the future generations. I voted to show that all of us citizens have the rights to be voiced out. I voted to make people realize of the power held by the citizens on how this country should be sailed. I voted to show the politicians of how afraid they should be of us, citizens and not the vice versa. This is a democratic country, every person has the sole right to choose the direction of this country.

That’s why I chose not to vote blindly and solely for any party. I’m not to be a donkey following where the party is taking me. I desire a transparent government so everyone can have a say in every matter. In other words, I’m against obsession of any political parties, because these parties should be held responsible by the people without excuse. There can be no party which is not to be questioned of any wrong deeds done.

Once again, I strongly believe in the power of the people over the government. The ballot is stronger than the bullet.

We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution. The people are the rightful masters of the country.

Abraham Lincoln

Pheww. So serious mah.

unlucky number one

I hope they like you like we do

I'll be proud to be like you

Just like you

Hello everyone (like there’s anybody).

I just finished my tests for my rotation in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. It has been an amazing journey and I truly enjoyed it. I wrote this thing before the marks are out because usually the true judgment will be clouded over by the marks. So without knowing how I actually did during the tests, I can honestly say that I love this department.

Great doctors with great skills of teaching, great experience switching from one hospital to another almost every week and I should also say great patients. Why? Well simply because most patients are either pregnant or had just delivered a baby or maybe just got out from the operating theaters.  So these are exhausted patients, looking very tired and maybe unwell. Labor is very exhausting!!! Let’s take a moment to appreciate every single effort our mothers had taken to ensure our intrauterine well-being and be delivered safely knowing that it was a very difficult process, yet ended with smile and tearful joy. I  felt really touched observing a woman delivering her baby. 

I enjoyed this rotation so much that I honestly don’t really give a damn about my marks. But of course, I want to pass it. Oh wait, or not? Eh.

Anyway, this is the only major rotation for this year. We were tested by methods of OSCE and Mini OSCE, as any other major rotations. The trouble with OSCE is that, no matter how much I've read or prepared, that nervousness will always be there because I have to confront people during OSCE. Unlike Mini OSCE, we’re only confronting few pictures and a paper. Nobody was observing you giving the answers or making comments or expressions over your answers.

Some people say they only got the loose legs before seeing the question and once they saw it, and they started answering one by one (orally), the nervousness disappeared. But this is me. I don’t talk much. I always feel nervous every time I let a word out of my mouth. I tend to stutter. So the nervousness didn't really go away even after I started answering the questions. Or even if I knew my answers were right.

This was how I acted during my OSCE. I entered the room, looking at the examiner’s face while simultaneously greet (sometimes) and said my name. And then I sat down and read the questions. My head stayed down throughout my whole answering/thinking process. Not once did I look at the examiner. My eyes were stuck on the question paper, or stool or maybe the floor. When the time was up, I faced up, looked at the examiner’s face and said “Thank you, doctor.” Every single time. I think I need to learn how to speak in the presence of people I don’t know well. I should know how to get comfortable. Hell I can be calm throughout anything, but once I have to speak, my heart got caught in the spotlight.

I’ve got nothing to say actually. I just wanted to keep this blog updated. What else to say?

Ok that’s all for this post.

P.S.

Dismal.

...

I realize now;

   how far you'd go
   and how far distant I've been left behind

HEADS UP : This post contains lonely expressions. eh. not really lah!

Hello everybody! (?)

All praise to The Almighty, I've been living on this earth for 22 years now. I’m grateful for what I've done and where I've been since the day I was born.

Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to express. Don’t strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt.

I can’t be dependent on others to be happy. I should be the one striving for my own happiness. I couldn't care enough if people are constantly leaving me. Damn it! I actually have been saying these things so many times (well, every time I was feeling left behind) but I've been back and forth. Hah! So back off when it’s time to do so. Stay focus and do not get distracted anymore! You’re on your own!

I did pretty amazing things on my birthday this year;

1. climbing up to the top of Mount Sinai

2. enjoying the super beautiful view of sun rise from the top of Mount Sinai

3. riding quad bike (my first time) in dark night to the Bedouins village in the desert

So this year I spent my Eid holiday in Egypt. Personally, this wasn't merely a vacation. I felt sort of connected with Egypt. I learnt a lot of things from this trip. As for most of my previous vacations, I felt no more than a foreigner following the map moving from one tourist attraction to another. But this visit to Egypt taught me a lot about the lifestyle of an Egyptian or at least a non-Egyptian staying there.

I’m lucky enough to have been living in a typical Arab world in a small barren country called Jordan. So I already had the background image of how it was gonna be in Egypt. Frankly, I did a lot of comparison between these two countries.

To be clear, this wasn't my second Arab country I've visited in my whole life. Thank God, in 2009 I had the opportunity to see the beautiful old country named Syria which is now in an unstable state. Syria was in many ways similar to Jordan. But I was barely a residence in Jordan back then. So to be honest, it was only one of other trips. In 2011 (I was in my third year), I went to United Arab Emirates or to be specific Dubai and Abu Dhabi. The gulf countries are in so many ways different than Jordan or Syria.

But this time, there was a different feeling throughout my journey in Egypt. I didn’t feel alienated, nor out casted as a foreigner. Things went smooth, although some little problems were inevitable.

As an Arab country, Egypt in so many ways is typical. Recalling from history, people make living around a water source thus the famous Nile River. Cairo is a very old and highly populated city. You can see by your own eyes how crowded the city is on every single day. I have a theory that due to overpopulation, the management became lose because it’s a big challenge to control a very huge number of people. You can provide as many facilities or services as you can. But to control people or citizens is a different matter.

Cairo is a very busy city. Crowded in addition to dusty, I learnt the importance of staying calm in such situations. Havoc is a normal scene. You can easily lose your temper. The hot weather of desert adds to your head and body temperature. Compared to Jordan, this country is far more well equipped but the problem lies with the people. This is an unjust comparison though, because Jordan is an amateur country compared to Egypt which is very ancient.

Okay, don’t intend to write much. Personally, I think Egypt is far more developed than Jordan but due to its overpopulation, I prefer to be here in Jordan. Every beautiful thing can become a mess when too many hands are on it.

P.S. Thinking of a new blog title.


All of your wallowing is unbecoming
You've got to take it on your own from here
It's getting pathetic and I'm almost done here

happy with your life?

Martial, the things that do attain              

The happy life, be these, I find:

The riches left, not got with pain;            

The fruitful ground, the quiet mind:       

The equal friend, no grudge, no strife;

No charge of rule, nor governance;

Without disease, the healthful life;         

The household of continuance:

The mean diet, no delicate fare;             

True wisdom join’d with simpleness;

The night discharged of all care,               

Where wine the wit may not oppress:  

The faithful wife, without debate;          

Such sleeps as may beguile the night.    

Contented with thine own estate;

Ne wish for Death, ne fear his might.

[Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey]

we hate he rain when it fills up our shoes,
but how we love when it washes our cars.

from coins and notes to a card

This is for the ones who stand,

for the ones who try again,

for the ones who need a hand,

for the ones who think they can.

It comes and goes in waves.

Hello again, myself.

Last week, I applied for a new debit card. I already have one, but the magnetic stripe is tore up a little bit so sometimes the cashier will have to swipe it few times before it got through. A week later, the new card was ready. I had to activate the card by calling the customer care line. The operator asked a few questions and just like that, my card was activated. But of course, later on I need to withdraw any amount of money from the ATM machine and wait for 24 hours before I can use it for swiping action and online payment.

Hello. How can I help you?

Hello. I would like to activate my VISA debit card.

Okay. Can you give me your card number?

Alright, they are **** ***** **** ****.

Is it okay if I ask you a few questions for verification purpose?

Sure, no problem.

What is your name?

******* *** ******

Your date of birth?

It’s October 29, 1990.

In which branch of Standard Chartered did you open your account?

Irbid.

How much do you have in your account balance?

God! Currently? I‘m not sure. I never really keep track of my account balance. Can I skip this question?

Just give me a range.

Okay, maybe a couple of *********. Am I screwed?

No you’re okay. Your card is activated now. Can I help you with any other things?

Thank you. No, that would be all.

Okay, have a nice day.

Thank you very much. Bye.

When I mentioned I didn’t really keep track of my account balance, I really mean it. I’m not saying that’s a good thing to do, but I’m just stating that not everybody keep track of their account balance. So I’m not really sure if that’s a wise thing to include that question in the verification process. I withdraw, spend and let the bank deals with my balance. That’s not a good habit because we should always know the status of our finance so we can plan ahead. What if the bank messed up?

Are you a shopaholic? Or a big spender, as one may say. I don’t think I am. But when I want to buy something, I don’t really look at the prices. Some might compare between various stores, but I don’t really do that. I just buy it when I see it. I don’t really care about the prices. I hate dealing with numbers, so that could be one of the reasons. I don’t really know how much one thing should cost, I mean like its standard price. When I say I don’t remember the price of the things I bought, I really mean it.

Some people find happiness by shopping. These are shopaholics. When they’re feeling empty, they shop again. And again. And again. That’s not a pure happiness. You can never satisfy yourself like that. It’s like an ongoing continuous process where you need refreshment every time you run out of ‘it’. Of course, when you’re living a rich life where you have no limit of money supply, you will not see that as a problem.

I once thought I like to shop. Few years ago, I went to Dubai. Lucky as one may say, there was a shopping festival during my visit there. It was like the biggest annual shopping festival. Lots of discounts and half prices. I thought I would buy lots of things. But to be truth, I’m not really a shopper. I didn’t really buy anything there. But I have to admit that Dubai is indeed a nice place for shopping.

Yes, Dubai is like a different version of Arab world.

Have you ever tried buying things on the internet? My first experience was with this online shopping site centered in Middle East. I bought a hands free earpiece and a case for my phone. The delivery took a very long time. I also read some other complaints about their bad service, so I decided not to order from this site anymore.

My second trial was with a low fare flight company. I booked my flight tickets directly from the site. It was easy and the process went really smooth. Well, there was not gonna be any deliveries so that’s why. At the same time, I booked hotel rooms for my stay in Italy and London.

How I miss spending my time alone in Italy. It was like an accomplishment. Somehow, I always think that I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life. :/

After that, I would like to order some books from the site eBay. But I have some problem with my PayPal account. I turned over to the site amazon, but I encountered some problems too. So that was all.

I would like to highlight some problem here in Jordan concerning online payment and later on the deliveries of your order. We don’t use residency address here. Any formal or official business must be through the rental mail box. Lucky me, students can register the university personal mail box for free. I hope the system will get better maybe after 10 years. This country really needs to sort this thing out and gets everything organized. I think the capital city has already used the residency address system because I notice each house in Amman is labeled with a number so that must be the house number right?

Oh just to clear things up, I don't come from a rich family. My sister always scolded me for spending too much money on school trips but hey, I was a little kid. I knew nothing about financial management and less that I knew that we had to save money for house needs. She was right though. I did join too many school trips. I wouldn't miss every chance I had.

Both of my parents have different approach than my elder sister. They don't want their children to think or worry about money. So they always say YES whenever I asked. I remember the routine pep talk my parents used to give us about how we must study really really hard so we can achieve a financially better life in the future. I can actually see that we're living much better than we used to before. All praise to Him. Damn it, writing about all this makes me feel sad all of sudden.

Do you like to buy things? Why do you buy things? Do you really need them? Have you ever had a financial problem in your life? Is shopping your obsession? How long can you stay out of stores or malls? Do you frequently check your savings account?

P.S. Those spam messages really bother me. I might take the chat box down.

I keep trying to walk,

but my feet don't find the solid ground.

I keep trying to scream,

but my tongue has finally lost its sound.

unnoteworthy

If you knew me,

would you save that seat for me?

If you knew me,

would you finally let me free?

Hello myself! duhhhh

Last year, each time I introduced myself as a fourth year student, I would feel proud and huge. Well, you know what I mean by ‘huge’. But this year, every time I say fifth year, I feel ancient. I wonder what I will feel next year.

It’s September. New semester just began, which means new students just arrived. Every single year (well since 2009) around this time, something interesting never fails to make me laugh. No, I’m not talking about me laughing at those naive and innocent looking freshies blurring around the street admiring every single thing they found on this land. God forbid, I would never do that!

A lot of people will approach me and assume couple of false laughable things about me. The most hilarious greeting so far would be “Welcome to Jordan”. Some people even thought I was a Yarmouk university student. Doesn't that sound ridiculous but high-larious at the same time? Maybe I should blame myself for that, I’m not sure.

It gets even funnier when at most times, I actually know their name or even a little more detail about themselves. You know, simple things like which university, what year and what course. Let me give a simple example of a real conversation that I encountered recently.

Greetings. How are you?

Hi. I've been better but thank you. And you?

I’m fine. Welcome to Jordan! What’s your name?

Err, thank you? It’s Ideris. You’re Derp right?

Yes I am. So how’re things with you so far? Do you have trouble with understanding the materials in Arabic?

Well they’re in English. So, not really.

Wait, are you studying in JUST? Medicine?

Yes, I do. Just began my fifth year.

Oh really? Okay. A clinical student?

Yes, how’s your third year now? Is everything good?

And the conversation gets more awkward after that. Not from my perspective though, because I actually enjoy looking at their shocked facial expressions when I told them I’m in my fifth year. This happens every year and I burst into big laugh every time it happens. Oh I’m gonna miss this when I graduated.

still I'm searching for something...

the pretender

No one’s gonna wait for you.

So do it now, do it right now.

Don’t waste a minute on the darkness

And the pity sitting in your mind.

So here I am. Sitting in front of my desk. A coffee-filled mug at my right hand side. Fingers on the built-in laptop’s keyboard. Feeling like a professional writer. Trying to put on words to construct sentences that are readable and understandable. At the same time, I always wonder of who I’m writing to. Myself, I suppose.

It’s a semi-miracle (I just made that word up) that my laptop is on my desk. I usually have it on my little table beside my bed. Yes, I do that. I always use my laptop while sitting or lying or rolling on my broken bed where I pretend to be comfortable and in relax state while I’m not. I have to change my pose (or way of sitting/lying/rolling) every few minutes because of numbness and sometimes my spine actually aches. This always reminds me of the reason why people have desk.

Logging onto my blogger account, I’m not really surprised of the changes that they’ve made. I left this account for over a year. I wasn’t really having the writer’s block, because I’m not really a writer for that matter. I’m only a normal person pretending to be a good writer. Ah ha! Oh by the way, I like this new blogger. It's less crazy. Ok I don't know why I said that.

I feel chatty today. Or felt, whatever. I’m not a chatty person for that matter. I mentioned this couple of times in my previous posts which were like few years back. :| I forgot the reason why I stopped blogging for a while. Erm, I could be busy. Yeah, that could be it. I’m not sure. Oh I forgot to mention that cliché crap people always say;

IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME, PEEPS!

(and it's been a boring year)

Hell yeah! Back to being chatty, I’m not really a conversationalist. I always avoid people to secure myself from any chatting attempts. Yep, that’s not a cool thing to do. I feel like that’s the absolute reason why my Arabic language skill is like being held back while others are getting better and better every time I see them. But on the other side, I mean the good side of it, I like to believe that I become an independent man because of that behavior. Yep, I’m a self-proclaimed independent man!

See, I went to Italy all by myself. I'm independent right?

Do you know that feeling when you have so many thoughts playing around in your mind? At that moment, you feel like your head’s going to explode with that words symphony going around inside your cranium. You feel like you need to speak those words out. Just let them out of your heads. Or at least, you need a pen and a paper so you can write all that down. You feel so inspired to give your thoughts about so many things happening around you. That actually happened to me today.

That was when I remember that I actually have an abandoned dusty blog. So I went home hoping that I could throw all those thoughts onto this pity blog. But I actually ended up doing something else. And by the time I remember that I had this writing thing I must do, those thoughts just magically disappeared and I was like, “What did I want to write about again?”

So here I am. Sitting in front of my desk. My made-in-China Paris souvenir mug is empty now. I’m out of words.

What do I expect from this post? I’m not quite sure. But I hope this won’t be the only post for the next one year.

Oh by the way, I met Ingrid Michaelson while I was in Singapore few weeks ago. Hell yeah I did!

Head out any further,

and you might just forget how.

You’ve gotta come back down.

a CORRIDOR to watch you

Sometimes it can be harder

to remember than to just let go.

I always see my good companions as if I’m watching them from a fairly tall building. I’m in a room, then slowly I walk outside heading to the corridor. Stand still, I look down the building to see a group of people assembling together. These are the people I know well, my companions. My friends. Comrades. They’re all in different outfits and holding their personal signature items representing their different backgrounds. But they’re down there together. Chatting happily.

Some of them look similar to each other but some on the other hand are very different yet they’re still standing on the same ground. Those that look similar are typical (in a good way) and appear as this one small circle. They’re recognized by people by this circle.

Those that appear a bit different are recognized by their own selves. They present themselves as their own self, not by a circle. They’re a bit distinct from others, because they hold a strong figure of their own self, portraying their own distinct physical.

It doesn’t matter if you’re typical or different because what matters most is that you manage to stand together on the same ground no matter how peculiar your background might be. You keep your differences aside, finding the common ground and then you put trust on the ground so that both of you can stand there without doubts, believing that you’re good together.

Dear Malyque,

We weren’t really close and I know that I didn’t really take your 3 years in Jordan to know you more. I didn’t really take the opportunity when you were here. We didn’t eat our lunch together. I didn’t seat next to you in the lecture hall. I didn’t manage my time to study with you. I didn't visit you that frequent. I didn’t really spend much time with you.

But I just want you to know that all this while, you've been a real great friend to me. You’ve been such a lovely friend to me and to us generally; JUST 08 (as we’ve always pronounce ourselves as). I enjoyed every bit of my time around you that I never consider myself knowing you were a waste. I want to let you know that you’re one of strong figures I’ve always seen in JUST 08.

I support your decision, because I know you’re a very wise man. I’m proud of your decision, because you’re a brave lad who knows what’s best for yourself. So no matter what or how you’re doing it, I will always be here praying for great things to happen to you.

Last but not least, please keep on writing (blogging) for I admire your real class English. :p

Do you have your own corridor?

P.S. OMG This is my 50th post! :D

Summer Rambles

A promise, still so pure.

Rise like the tide,

No need to hide.

This is my summer rambles to you.

The air is full of dusts.

Dusts coming from the deserted dry desert.

Will he get through this?

Can they?

This is my summer rambles to you.

The sun is showing his pride these days.

The wind is carrying hot air to me.

The atmosphere is blazing hot.

Will I get through this?

Can we?

This is my summer rambles to you.

The sandstorm is coming soon to get you.

Rolls in from the air precipitation in the desert.

So you get your shelter.

Will you get through this?

Can I?

This is my summer rambles to you.

Daylights seem like an eternity.

Wouldn’t let you go.

Nights are only glances to us.

They’re gone before you know it.

So we wait for another day to pass.

To meet another peaceful night.

Will we get through this?

Can we?

This is my summer rambles to you.

Everything seems like coming to get me.

But I don’t see that in you.

You’re running away from me.

Offending everything I feel about summer.

You’re not a summer.

You deny my summer experience.

This is my summer rambles to you.

The seasons always change.

So summer will come and go.

You’re not my summer.

You don’t have to be my summer.

You can be my tropic.

You’ve already had a hidden spot on my heart.

So you will stay.

This is my summer rambles to you.

Can you and I get through this?

Will we?

Flicker and hover,

Still changing colours,

But nothing can break this calm.

the invisible me

I don't know where,

confused about how as well.

Like leftovers, waiting to be picked up then placed in any empty space.

Like me, hoping to be placed in a space where I'll be strong enough in my attempt to live and survive.

Like leftovers, like me.

How the heck did I get myself in this position?

When something begins,

you generally have no idea how it's going to end.

a drawer of unopened letters

We think too good of ourselves.

We thought we know everything.

We are too proud of ourselves.

Or maybe we are too broken inside that we deny everything else around.

Sometimes we take small things for granted.

We left a tiny hole uncovered.

Hoping nobody would ever notice it.

We ignored minute drops of water coming out of an old loose pipe.

Denying any significant effect from these drops.

Negligence.

Ignorant.

Arrogant.

We thought we’ve already taken everything needed into our account.

But maybe,

There could be a drawer somewhere we’re unaware of.

A drawer hidden long enough we couldn’t bother enough.

Maybe there is a secret drawer.

A drawer of unopened letters and birthday cards.

You might want to start refreshing your memory,

of every single vertex you’ve cornered away.

The storm is coming,

but I don't mind.

People are dying,

I close my blinds.

when life gives you lemons, you do what?

There are no guarantees in life

Not for the present

Nor for the future

We admit that there will be times when you can't stop smiling.

And there are also times when you just don’t know how to put your emotions in place.

You’re swarmed with so many kinds of feelings.

You’re trapped in emotions.

You can feel them all over your body.

Infesting the way you live your life.

And suddenly they took over your body.

Dominating your brain.

Controlling your every single reaction.

Just like an infection.

It started very discreet you couldn’t even bother to think of.

And suddenly you’re all feverish and reddening.

If only you took control of the time it began.

Now you’re sunk.

It’s life.

There are ups and downs.

Just like when you’re sitting on a boat in the sea.

You can feel the ups and downs.

You are trying to enjoy the moments.

But every now and then, waves keep on coming over.

They keep on trying to knock you out of the boat.

You don’t think it would get serious.

You don’t want to spoil your time-out on the boat.

So you find a distraction.

You read a book.

Or maybe playing the games you downloaded on your iPod.

But when you realized that the waves are getting harsher.

That’s when you know.

You need something to hold on to.

Those distractions worked, but only for a short time.

Now you really need to face the waves.

What will you hold on to?

Did you prepare a back-up plan?

do you think I'm strange?

All I know is that I’m here

Don’t know for how long

like me

I was standing just a few meters from him on one side of the road.

Cars would come from my right side so I would see him anyway.

The road was clear; free from cars.

He looked like he was waiting for the other side of the road calling for him.

He just stood there.

Looking for a certainty.

I wasn't sure if he wanted to cross the road or not.

I assumed his desire to reach the other side of the road.

But why didn't he cross the road while it was clear?

Maybe he too, thought the exact same thing about me.

Maybe.

unlike me

do you think I'm strange?

I have an ASSIGNMENT!

It’s been a long time, eyh? I just couldn’t find the time to write something, or couldn’t find something to write on actually. I registered 5 subjects for this second semester. 3 modules of system; Neuroscience I, Neuroscience II and UroGenital. Another 2 subjects with 1 credit hour each (I know what you’re thinking, believe me they’re essential) are Medical Ethics and Health Administration. So for the first time since I pronounced myself a medical student of JUST, we have to do an assignment on Health Care System Problems from administration or management point of view. Oh it’s been forever since I was asked to do a comprehension-like thingy. Since I’ve been thinking of updating this wasted blog of mine, why don’t I post my article here?

Please note that this is merely an assignment with no relevant proofs or facts. It’s just a bunch of words I put on together in an hour in an attempt to complete a 3 pages requirement (bonus marks alert!). So don’t take anything seriously because I don’t think serious when writing this. I assigned myself a topic of Incompetent Doctors. Okay, cut the crap, read on!

Nowadays, health care institutions especially hospitals have become one of the most important social services for every living person on the earth. A hospital is an essential element in any community in building a great country or so. Unfortunately, so many problems in one particular hospital will affect the way it should be functioning. Besides promoting the well-being of people, health care workers also held the responsibility to educate them. A great community can be built if all the members of the community are concern and realize the importance of leading a healthy lifestyle, thus creating a healthy environment.

From this point onwards, we already agreed the role of health care workers in educating people. Generally, an ideal hospital should consist of upper level workers and lower level workers. We are concerned about the managers, head of departments, chiefs and so on when describing the upper level workers. Lower level workers are usually the ones we are always talking about; the doctors on duty, nurses, technicians, receptionists and so on. So distinctively, the lower level workers are the ones who are closer to the people or patients requiring any hospital service. Of any workers they refer to, doctors are undoubtedly the closest any patients could have (in the hospital) as their trustees.

Therefore, doctors should be the one to educate people in encouraging the healthy lifestyle for them to carry on and spread on. Doctors’ words are usually what patients listened to afterwards. Educating people is not merely by treating, preventing them away from any harm or explaining the problem. This is more than about promoting the well-being. This is about making people understand the importance of this and that, here and there. Doctors become teachers in this situation.

So up until now, we already agreed that the most suitable persons in charge of educating people are the doctors. In order to carry out this plan, we will need a great deal of doctors. Competent doctors are the ones we are talking about. They need to be competent in completing their tasks. They should have the ability to fulfill anything required as long as they hold on to the title; Doctor. A competent doctor must not only know how to diagnose a disease, or how to treat a patient. They have to be able to carry out the duty as role models in one particular community. People often look up on doctors, on how they lead their lives, how they do their tasks, how they communicate, how skilled they are, how stable they are and so on. This is because a patient’s life at one time is technically depends on the doctor assigned to him/her. So a patient will demand to know how competent his/her doctor is to be trusted on his/her life. It’s not about taking care of things or whatsoever; it’s about the life of people. Handling a patient’s life is not an easy job because people are emotionally attached.

How competent a doctor should be? What kind of competency do we need? How do we assess the competency of any doctors? One of the problems rising up now in most countries nowadays is incompetent medical graduates or incompetent doctors. Too many doctors are useless if they can’t keep on their competency up to the level where people can trust them.

First aspect of competency is clinical and medical skills. Any unskilled doctors should not be trusted to handle a case alone. Medical graduates should’ve mastered the techniques and skills in carrying out their medical profession. Again, we are dealing with life of people or patients. Any mistake could be one step closer towards unwell-being. Patients will always be assessing the way any doctors handling them. How skillful they are? Are they capable enough to do a tracheal intubation? Can they be trusted to do a lumbar puncture? As far as we are concerned about the issue of unskilled doctors, there has been many reports on how doctors can’t find a vein, thus keep on poking the arm of the patients by the needle until they find one. If this one minor procedure can’t be mastered, how do we trust them to do a solo surgery, cutting the patient’s body open? Skillful and competent doctors will not only ease their job, it will also help in public display of the hospital.

We’re done talking about how incompetent a doctor can be in carrying out a medical procedure, even a minor one. The next aspect is the communication skills. Surveys proved that most patients couldn’t bother enough to ask doctors the real situation or status of their health because they’re afraid of disturbing the always-busy-doctors with some silly questions. This shouldn’t be happening. A good doctor should be able to have some time provided for his/her patient. There shouldn’t be a cold atmosphere between a doctor and a patient. They should be able to discuss freely. Again, we are dealing with people thus dealing with emotions and feelings. We are not to give judgments or giving harsh words. We are to ease patients. This is where communication skill is essential.

Those were some examples of how incompetent a doctor can be nowadays. How do we solve this problem? Let’s take a look on how it should be done from a manager’s seat point of view. Before accepting any application, a manager should have the applicants interviewed. A good manager will review the performance of each applicant then synchronizing it with the current needs of the hospital. This will also helps in financial aspect of the hospital because we are prioritizing the needs over any other things. A manager should hire a doctor upon his/her reviewed performance and the current needs of the hospital. From there, we might be able to find a skillful and competent doctor. The decision of a manager whether to hire or not could be the determination of the future of his/her hospital.

That is before hiring. After hiring, a good manager should go on with assessing the performance of each worker monthly or so. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they aren’t. So we need to know the status of their performance in carrying out their tasks. This includes the nurses, technicians and others involved. There can be an assessment form or so to keep track on how the workers are doing. When we detect something troubling, we will take some prevention action. That’s the purpose of an assessment. There should be a follow up, not just merely a record. Actions must be taken to prevent the workers from a deteriorating performance.

Next step is to delegate tasks evenly or doing shifts. Sometimes incompetent doctor results from less exposure thus lack of experience. This applies more on interns, residences and general doctors. They should not be picky with their tasks. A system of rotation from one department to another is helpful to help the doctors gaining or even balancing their skills and experiences. There shouldn’t be any compromises. All doctors have to abide the rules and shifts scheduled for them so everyone will gain something different each day.

My last suggestion of solution on these incompetent doctors is to hold a course or something like that in order to build the character of a competent doctor. This should come from the manager. This is a very universal solution because we can train almost everything in one particular course. For example, a course for bedside manners and doctor-patient relationship. The experienced managers may share the skills and techniques they developed from their experiences. Furthermore, we might be able to create the personality of our doctors as role models in one particular community through this course. It’s sort of a self-development program.

As for a conclusion, an incompetent doctor may results from the ignorant character of the doctor him/herself, or also comes from a bad management. One thing for sure, it’s the responsibility of the managers themselves to realize the situation, keep tracks on the performances and then taking such actions to ensure the development of a trusted hospital. A good hospital is reflected by its workers and doctors especially while a good doctor is a reflection of a good manager who successfully managed his workers.

Until then, TQ!